Three wonderful weeks

After confirming my prognosis with the doctor, three weeks ago I left to spend time in Spain before starting treatment. They were three wonderful weeks at home, with my love, relaxing, and enjoying “life as usual” for a while before this new delay in life. We spent time at the beach of Cambrils, in La Coruña and Santiago de Compostella, and at home, just enjoying the company of those around me. It was a very bitter-sweet time- I loved being there, it’s the place that feels like my home to now after so many moves here and there throughout the last few years. I spent a lot of time just walking through the city enjoying the sun, doing yoga, taking the bus down to Mario’s work to enjoy lunch together, and thinking of the future months to come. I cried many times, but I also felt so blessed and happy to have so much support, and felt encouraged to know that I can cry, and it’s okay. One day I won’t cry anymore over this but sometimes it just feels so much better the second the tears fall. It’s a buildup and release. I think the scariest part is the uncertainty of the whole thing. I feel like once I actually start the treatment, I will feel a bit better just knowing what it will feel like. As of now I only have a mix of what people tell me from their own experiences, what the doctors tell me, and what I’ve seen in movies and TV.

I practice kundalini yoga in Terrassa (and everywhere else). My yoga classes are a vital part of my life. They keep me centered, mentally and physically, and give me a way to just be inside myself without worries. Although I may walk in stressed, worried, and in a bad mood, everything changes with that scent of incense flowing, and the calming, kundalini music playing. After describing what is happening in my life to my professor in Terrassa, she decided to dedicate the next two weeks kriyas (yoga routines) to the lymphatic system. There just happened to be one for massaging the system, and for cleaning the system. I don’t think I ever worked as hard as I did in yoga, as I did in those two classes. I plan to continue practicing them as much as possible and I will post them here as well.

The most difficult part of not being in Spain is not having Mario along my side. I know he is there mentally, but physical presence counts for a lot. It is and will be very difficult for us both, I know, but the love we share is different from any other type of love I have experienced. It is so special and I treasure it so much, and what I miss most is just being in his presence. It is so calming and reassuring and something I cannot get from anyone else. I know my strength  has to come from within, and I know I have all the support in the world from my family and friends, but nothing can fill that gap that the one you love can. Time will pass quickly.

This morning I had an echocardiogram to get a baseline of my heart because one of the chemo meds can have negative effects on heart function a small percentage of the time. On Wednesday I have a pulmonary function test, blood-work  and I will meet with the doctor one more time before starting treatment.

Despues de quedar con el medico, hace tres semanas me fui a pasar un tiempo en España antes de empezar el tratamiento. Fueron tres semanas maravillosas en casa, con mi amor, relajandome y disfrutando de la vida “normal” por un tiempo antes de empezar este nuevo retraso en la vida. Fuimos a la playa de Cambrils, a La Coruña y Santiago de Compostela, y a casa, disfrutando de la compañia de los de mi alrededor. Fue un tiempo agri-dulce. Me encanto estar alli, es el sitio que llamo mi casa ahora despues de tanto tiempo mudandome por el mundo en los ultimos años. Pase mucho tiempo paseando por las calles y disfrutando del sol, haciendo yoga, cogiendo el bus al trabajo de Mario para comer juntos, y pensando en lo que me espera en los meses que vienen. Llore muchas veces, pero tambien me sentí muy feliz al saber que tengo tanto apoyo y animo y saber que puedo llorar, que a veces esta bien. Un dia no llorare mas sobre esto pero a veces me siento mejor al segundo despues de que dejo caer las lagrimas. Creo que lo que da mas miedo es que no hay certeza en nada. Siento que cuando empiece el tratamiento me sentire un poco mejor solo porque se que va a pasar. Ahora solo se una mezcla de lo que me dice la gente de sus propias experiencias, lo que me han dicho los medicos, y lo que he visto por la tele y en las pelis.

Practico kundalini yoga en Terrassa (y en todos partes). Mis clases de yoga son una parte necesaria de mi vida. Me dejan centrada en mi misma, y me dan una oportunidad de no pensar y meditar sin preocupaciones. Aunque puedo entrar estresada, preocupada o mal de humor, todo cambia cuando huelo el incienso, y la musica calmante de kundalini yoga. Despues de describir lo que me esta pasando a mi profesora de yoga en Terrassa, decidio dedicar las kriyas (lecciones) de las proximas semanas al sistema linfatico. Hay una para masaje del sistema y otra para la limpieza. No creo que haya trabajado tanto en una clase nunca. Tengo planes de seguir practicandolas aqui tambien.

La parte mas dificil de todo esto es no poder estar con Mario a mi lado. Se que estamos juntos mentalmente, pero la presencia fisica ayuda mucho. Es, y sera muy dificil para nosotros dos, lo se, pero el amor que compartimos es diferente que cualquier otro tipo que he sentido. Es tan especial y un tesoro tan grande, y lo que mas echo de menos es estar en su presencia. Es tan calmante y tranquilizante y algo que nadie mas me puede dar. Se que mi fuerza tiene que venir de dentro, y se que tengo todo el apoyo del mundo de mi familia y mis amigos, pero nadie puede llenar ese agujero que puede llenar a quien amas. El tiempo pasara rapido…

Esta mañana tuve un ultrasonido del corazon porque unas de los medicamentos puede tener efectos negativos. El miercoles tengo una prueba de la funcion de los pulmones, analisis de sangre, y quedare con el medico una vez mas antes de empezar el tratamiento.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kathi
    Apr 15, 2013 @ 04:02:43

    Cry your eyes out if it helps. I’m glad it does. You are such an encouragement to everyone who knows you. You are full of life and goodness Jenn. I know God is going to use you in many ways through this trying time. After years of trying to convince me to try yoga, this post has cinched it. Going to start this week. You know I love you.
    kathi

    Reply

  2. Bridget
    Apr 15, 2013 @ 20:38:56

    Hi Jenn!
    Ricky’s cousin Bridget here. The one you got stuck with at the top of the Ferris Wheel at the OC fair many moons ago. I ask about you often and Kathi told me about your blog. I can’t begin to know the ups and downs you have gone through since 2008 but I believe you will get through this and gain wisdom and insight that will serve you throughout your life’s journey. Sending prayers, love and angels to you!
    Bridget

    Reply

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